I talked briefly about this in my last post, but I figured I’d make a whole post just about this topic because it’s something I feel really passionate about right now. I have officially ditched dieting. No more diets for me! The reason is pretty simple actually, and that reason is: I’m sick and tired of it.
I’m sick of hating myself. I’m sick of trying to take up
less space and obsess over my weight and caloric intake. I’m tired. I’m tired
of inputting calories into apps. I’m tired of counting. I’m tired of stressing
out about overeating. I’m tired of restricting. I’m tired of “good foods vs bad
foods”. It’s garbage, all of it, and I don’t want any part of it anymore.
I’ve been overweight all my life, and I’ve been made to feel bad about it. I take up too much space, I’m not thin enough to wear a crop top, I eat too much, I’m too big for that dress, I’m always too much or not enough.
I’ve been the person on group outings that gets a salad even though she wants pasta because I don’t want to look fat, while my skinny friends eat pasta and aren’t seen as anything other than a girl eating pasta. I’ve weighed myself daily for years. I’ve tried every diet under the sun. None of it has worked. Why? BECAUSE DIETS DON’T WORK.
Not for me at least. The constant restricting leads to ridiculous binging and I ALWAYS (no exceptions) gain all of my weight back, plus more, as soon as I’m “off my diet”.
The last diet I was on was keto. I tricked myself into thinking it made me feel great. “I feel energized in the morning!” was a disguise for “I can’t sleep more than 6 hours”. “I’m almost never hungry” was a disguise for “I haven’t eaten in a day because I cannot have another steak or I will lose my mind.” I had constant bad breath, my sweat smelled worse than normal, I was exhausted (but hiding it), and I was never satisfied with my goddamn lettuce buns.
But I was losing weight, so it’s all worth it, right?
As soon as I got off the diet, I almost instantly gained 10 pounds back. I felt like it was my fault for eating potatoes and bread and pasta. I felt like a failure. This was diet culture that tricked me into this. It’s disordered eating, it’s dangerous, and it took a while for me to realize this. Once I got over the weight gain, I started to kind of forget about food. Not as in I stopped eating, but as in I stopped stressing. I realized I went a whole week without weighing myself (which is an accomplishment), and I was enjoying other things more, because I had the time to. I was cooking meals I enjoyed. I was happy.
I have days where the intrusive thoughts surrounding food creep back in. I have days where I think I should just go back on keto and lose all of the weight I’ve gained back. I have days where I feel worthless because my jeans from 2 summers ago don’t fit me. But I remind myself that I’m not too big, the jeans are too small. I remind myself how damn good potatoes are. I remind myself that my boyfriend loves me no matter what size I am, and I find myself falling back down to earth. Disordered eating habits and food anxiety doesn’t go away overnight, but it will.
If you need me, I’ll be at the mall, buying jeans a size up.
Take care of yourself