I discussed in a past blog post that I am working towards being a sex therapist. I want my career to be helping people who have issues regarding their sex life, so yeah, I’m going to talk a lot about sex, it’s what I’m into! … Wait, that sounds wrong.
I mean, I’m into helping people who have a bad relationship with sex, because I have been there. If you are interested in my personal story, check out this blog post, because I’m not going to go into it again in this one.
This post is specifically about how to take your sex drive back from depression. This can be for people who are struggling with depression (and anxiety), who find that their sex drive has completely gone down the drain. It can also be for people who are on any medications for their mental illness that may be having an effect on their sex drive. This blog does not suggest going on/off/changing meds, this is specifically just things you can do to feel like your sexy and sexual self again.
First and foremost, I want to say although I want to be a sex therapist, I am not one. Talk to your therapist about these problems and don’t take my words as gospel because they aren’t. They are just things that worked for me. I am purposely not giving medical advice or trying to mimic cognitive behavioral therapy, I am just giving advice for self care and tips that might make you feel better. If nothing seems to work, get professional help.
Think of what it is you struggle with. Do you struggle with the physiological part of sex? Or is it more mental. If it’s more mental, then think of why it is that you either have a hard time getting in the mood, or don’t care about sex at all. I previously talked about past traumas, but is it just the heaviness of depression that is making sex one of your last priorities?
If you think about it, depression can cause the most productive of people to become the laziest of people. Sometimes I don’t realize that my bedroom has become a pile of filth until I need to climb over it to get into my bed. Sometimes I lose track of days and all I’ve done is sit on the couch because I have no motivation to even shower let alone think about sex. A low sex drive is a huge side effect of depression, and if you are dealing with it, you’re definitely not alone.
If you are triggered by sex-related topics, I’d exit out now because this post is going discuss some of them.
I only have a few tips for this because the most important thing for this is to deal with your depression separately. Sometimes you can do all of the self care and all of the tips and tricks in the world and still not get in the mood, these are just a couple suggestions to try, but if they don’t work, consider treating your depression a priority.
Forget about any expectations.
Don’t expect to instantly return to your old self before depression just because you do these things. Sure, these things can help improve your sex drive, but it will take work. I still struggle with this and it’s been years, but I’m so much better than I was before.
It might only take feeling that pleasure again to realize what you’ve been missing. Sometimes sex can feel like a chore, especially when you don’t have a sex drive, because you’re doing it to please your partner. Masturbating can remind you that it feels good for you too. It can help you find your sexuality again. Explore yourself and find out what it is that you like and what it is that you don’t, and then communicate these things with your partner. Bonus: orgasms release endorphins, so it does double duty, making you feel better and hopefully reigniting that spark again.
according to Psychology Today, only about 25% of women orgasm consistently through vaginal sex alone. This means, LOTS of women aren’t orgasming during sex, which is unreal. Why get excited for sex when every time you get almost there, and then fall short. Boo. That doesn’t sound like fun.
Incorporating toys can help so much! A simple bullet vibrator during sex can make all the difference, and make sex fun again. I know plenty of women that have told me they can only orgasm alone, but that shouldn’t be the case. Talk to your partner, incorporate toys, and jump on the orgasm train, going down town to pound town… okay, I’m sorry. Check out https://wildflowersex.com/ for toys. I love wildflowersex because they make sex positivity and pleasure positivity a priority. Follow them on Instagram too!
I know when I’m feeling low, I don’t only lose interest in sex, but in all forms of intimacy. I notice I kiss my boyfriend less, I hug him less, and I compliment him less. The relationship becomes odd, like we’re both just there. We love each other, and we tell each other we do, but we don’t show it. What works for me is to start with touching him more, a hand on his arm, a hug here and there. I’m not talking foreplay, I’m talking about day to day pushing myself to show my love for him. Eventually that will lead somewhere.
Whether you shave, or prefer to keep the bush, get in the shower, and do all of the cleany things that make you feel beautiful and sexy. Condition your hair, wash your bod, do a sugar scrub. If you self tan, do that too! Personally, if I feel desirable, I tend to want my boyfriend to see me more. I don’t know if it makes sense, but it works. Depression and poor self hygiene go together like two peas in a pod, unfortunately. Here’s your reminder to take some time and shower until you run out of hot water. Its’s great self care.
Sex and depression are so much more connected than people might think. In reality, your brain is your largest sex organ. If it’s not in the mood, your body isn’t going to want to participate in the activities, no matter how fun. Working on your sexuality yourself can be the first step to regaining your sex drive, but I will not stress enough how important it is to get help if you can’t fix it on your own. Take care of yourself.