Today is a bad day.
Last night I felt really weird when I was trying to sleep. I felt jittery and sad and like sleep was 100 miles away even though I was so tired. I fell asleep around 2:00 am and woke up around 11:00 am this morning. When I woke up, getting out of bed was the last thing I wanted to do. I sat down on the couch and tried to do school work, but realized I did an assignment wrong, and would most likely receive a failing grade. Immediately I felt like the whole world was crashing down on me, like I was failing at everything, and I felt absolutely defeated.
I cried because everything feels like too much, for the first time in months. I thought, “I haven’t felt like this in so long. Why is this happening now, when I have so many things that need to be done?”
I looked around at my computer screaming reminders of the three term papers I have due before the end of the month, the dishes sitting on the counter, the pile of laundry in the corner, the supper that needed to be prepped and felt so overwhelmed that I just broke down.
I let myself have that, and when the tears dried, I decided that today will be spent doing things that make me happy. It’s true that you can’t pour from an empty cup, and right now, my cup is about as empty as it can get.
I closed all of my school tabs and said fuck it, there’s always tomorrow. I’ll admit, I struggle with listening to myself, but when my boyfriend sent me the text, “You are smart and hard working. You can afford to take a day off. Don’t force it, just do what feels good.” I felt like I was given permission to just, breathe. I’m not saying you need permission to take care of yourself, but sometimes it feels like it.
I chugged a glass of water, crossed everything off my to-do list and replaced it with “Be kind to yourself” and made a new to do list underneath it.
– Watch something that makes you laugh
– Do something that makes you happy
– Put on some music and turn it UP
– Throw a load of laundry in
– Make your bed
– Brush your teeth
– Don’t force it, just do what feels good
If the biggest things on my to do list today are brushing my teeth and throwing a load of laundry in the washing machine, I’m okay with that. I’m lucky because lately most of my days have been good, but bad days still happen. I’m coming down hard from the manic episode that I was having for the last month or so, and how I’m feeling now is a stark contrast to how I felt a couple weeks ago, to say the least. I don’t know if this is a depressive episode that will last one day, one week, or a month, but I’m going to be okay. If you are having a day like I am, you’ll be okay too.
Fill up your cup today, and take care of yourself