I’ve been gentle with myself in the last few weeks.
For me, depression can manifest itself it a lot of different ways. Sometimes I feel sadness, but a lot of the time, I just feel this extreme sense of low energy. The last two weeks has been the latter.
It’s a very odd feeling, waking up after sleeping 14 hours
and feeling like you barely got a wink of sleep. Wanting to complete your to-do
list but spending the day on the couch covered in blankets, not moving for
hours on end.
One of the worst things was that I wanted SO badly to update the blog. I wanted to work every day on my blog. I wanted to write an ebook and I wanted to grow the following. But I couldn’t.
Before this slump I’ve found myself in, I was waking up early and spending the whole day either working on school, working on the blog, or working at my job. I was writing a free ebook to offer to new subscribers, I was writing blog posts ahead of time, and I was out taking photos for new blog posts. In hindsight, I was definitely over working myself, and it took a toll on my body.
Typically when this happens, and I get into the low energy
kind of depressive episode, I try to push through it. I try to keep doing what
I was doing before, I try to be productive. But this time, I couldn’t. I didn’t
have it in me. It was the laziest, most tired, most heavy I’ve felt in a long
time. I’m still not feeling my best, but I can feel this weight slowly lifting
off my shoulders. This time, however, I just let myself feel it.
I was gentle with myself.
If I woke up at noon and felt like I needed to lay in bed for a bit longer, I let myself. If I woke up at 10:00 and felt like I was ready to get out of bed, I let myself. I did everything I needed to do. Meaning I cleaned my house, I took care of myself, I ate. But there were some things that needed to go to the back burner, and one of those was my blog.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE running this blog and it makes me so happy, but it was definitely something that was taking too much of my energy and I didn’t have a lot to go around. It wasn’t the only thing I had to drop too. I ended up calling in sick to work twice last week, and although I felt bad missing out on the money, I realized that I just couldn’t do it. I’m lucky because I work at a place that is pretty flexible. They understand that I have poor mental health sometimes, because I work in a mental health field. No questions were asked.
I’m all about self improvement on this blog and a lot of the
time I feel like the focus is put on action. But sometimes, action isn’t what
you need. This week I needed to relax. I needed to feel my feelings and it
helped me understand why I was feeling this way. I was running myself into the
ground with everything I had on the go, and I wasn’t putting as much work into
balance. I have low energy to begin with. I can’t do as much in a day as a
person who doesn’t experience mental illness. I’ve always been like this.
Sometimes I just forget that I can’t do it all and when I try to, my brain kind
of kicks me in the ass and reminds me that I can’t.
I’d like to say I’m going to go right back to posting three times a week, but that might not be the case for a little while. I hope you can bare with me while I am gentle to myself.
And while I take care of myself, I hope you take care of yourself too.